Dating, part 2: The Desert of the Real

Last week, I wrote about online dating. I went over the general experiences men and women have when they create their profiles and seek out a partner. This week I want to go over what happens when people actually meet. I give you The Desert of the Real!

So. Online dating. The follow occurs:

1. If you're a guy: you send messages out to a few women, and one writes you back. You exchange a few, make plans to meet, send a few more to solidify the plans, and then: silence. Nothing. She disappears like she's in the God damn witness protection program. Maybe it was something you said. Maybe she didn't have that edgy sense of humor after all, and when you joked that waiting a week like she wanted would give you time to bury the bodies she concluded you were a sociopath and cut contact. Even though she practically made the same joke before you. Haha, people are the worst! Anyway, you send out a few more messages to a few more women and hit it off with a lady, and you decide to meet up.
2. If you're a girl: you pick a guy through whatever criteria women utilize (“you seem like one of the good ones” is a phrase lady friends told me they've used, so imagine how many bad ones are out there [see last week's blog]) and make plans to meet a guy in a well lighted, public place with several escape routes.

Eventually, you meet. Let's assume that the parties meet at an outdoor bar by the water. Whoever arrives first looks around and tries to pinpoint the other. They go into FBI stake-out mode, trying to lay out of lines of site while locating their target like a sniper in the hills, debating whether or not to go through with the mission or to abort and strategically retreat. Their date isn't there yet, so they wait. The second person shows up, and has the advantage of checking out person one without being seen. Therein lies the critical moment, and person two decides not to flee after all. Aw. For this we'll assume person 1's profile pic isn't from ten years ago/is actually them/wasn't photo shopped to eliminate 20 lbs. And the second person decides to go through with it. Nice.

First Contact.

They meet. An awkward handshake or half hug happens, and it's weird to hear the voice of someone you've only electronically mailed, but weird in a good way. Unless she's a super low bass, or he sounds like a eunuch or something. I digress.

The daters sit down to their table, and scramble to think of all the subjects they've exchanged through the online site. “So, you're into”, “So, you work at”, “So, your favorite movie is”. If there is a lot of chemistry, this is a relatively laid back process. The back-and-forth comes naturally. If there isn't, it feels forced and one party usually has their head down while fidgeting with whatever is available before them, like a glass of water or a butter knife that they are considering putting through their own eye instead of continuing this conversation for one minute more. Usually though, it's relatively laid back and the parties converse.

Several outcomes are possible, and here are a few.

1. It's just not happening. The date cannot end fast enough. Once, I went on a date with a woman I felt absolutely no vibe for on any level, and she played footsies with me while I dreamed of escape. Oh God, it was awful. I considered sawing that leg off and letting her play footsies with it if it distracted her from my hasty exit. I finished the date, though, and politely bid her adieu. Side note: $7 drafts of Sam Adams hurt more when you really really really don't want to be there. Fucking Boston.
2. It's an enjoyable time, there's laughing, you say good night and even kiss, and.....then the other person isn't interested in going out again. What happened? I've been on both sides of this. When it happened to me, for example, I apparently talked about my ex-girlfriend too much and seemed “still not over her.” Even though my date brought up her ex in detail. Hmm. When I wasn't interested, it's because there was a deal breaker. Obnoxious behavior and being stalker-level needy are prime examples of deal breakers.
3. Things go well, you go back to the apartment, and whatever happens, happens. “I usually never do this on a first date” is a popular line. Hey, I'm not judging. Sex on a first date does not a bad person make! We're all adults here, and we make our choices. If we hit it off with someone, and we want to go for it, why not? And I'm sure that it's true that the person usually never does that on the first date, but this date is an exception. But through friends I've heard that line is used a lot, and I've heard it myself. Sex on a first date is what it is, and there is nothing wrong with it. But it does not guarantee a relationship, nor does it speak to loose morals. Not at all.

So where do the people go from here? In scenario 1, the best thing to do is cut ties and move on. Usually both men and women will simply disappear and not be bothered because we all hate confrontation. Scenario 2 usually ends up with a week or so of the still-interested party trying to make plans with the no-longer-interested party evading with messages like “Oh I'm sick today on the day we planned to meet again, sorry” like they just caught friggin' SARS or something. It's a delay tactic: that person doesn't want to see the other, and since confrontation is hard, they're praying that they just go away, and if not, building the courage to let them down. But mostly praying for the first.

Scenario 3 is the most difficult, as there are many branching paths where the parties may go. I'll go into this in further detail in next week's digital diatribe. Oh, you thought the horrors were over? Haha, no....