My online dating
trilogy was a forum for me to discuss what I've learned from trying
it, from the “Oh God I can't believe I'm really doing this” stage
to “I'm just keeping a profile for comedy's sake”. By the way,
you might or might not be surprised how many profiles actually begin
with “Oh God I can't believe I'm really doing this”. I've yet to
find the more straight-forward “so I've finally decided to degrade
myself to the level of you otherwise undate-able, cultural plebeians”
but I'm looking.
There are actually
many good, decent people on these sites. They use the online dating
service as an additional tool to look for someone cool to connect
with. Some of my friends use these sites. I've met some great women
that I still keep in contact with. In both instances, we get to trade
horror stories of meeting people. “He sent you a picture of his
junk!?” for instance. I'm not making that one up. Also, the
transvestite that complemented me, I'm not making up. Not hating or
anything, just saying. There are scenarios out there just waiting to
happen.
The major difference
in online dating from real-world dating is that takes away
interaction. I've noted a story where a woman passed over a guy
online that she would have drooled over in the real world. Online
window shopping, in essence what it is, makes it easy for people to
get passed over. It also makes it easy to send out a hundred generic
fishing nets and see what you catch, making it very impersonal. I
don't know anyone that has met their soul mate online, but I'm not
saying it cannot happen any more or less than it does in reality.
These stories are my experiences, and take what you will from them.
So, to conclude this
particular blog subject, I'm including paraphrased summaries of my favorite profiles. See for yourself what waits out there. The
names have been changed to protect the guilty. Enjoy!
Girl with several
revealing, sexually oriented profile pics
“Ugh you men
are pigs” / “Why can't I find a good man?” / “I'm not here
for a hookup! Stop asking!”
The
picture of her in her underwear and, better yet, the one of her nude
silhouette didn't draw classy gentlemen looking for their soul mate.
I was shocked too.
Woman
with a pic of her and her fat, shirtless husband
“Looking
for a partner for a threeway”
I
hear the banjos from Deliverance sounding off. Also, I can never
unsee that pic. This came from a friend of mine, and we're only now
talking again, haha. This is horrifying. This picture come-to-life
could be the final boss in a video game. This is real-life Jabba the
Hutt with Princess Leia chained in her bikini, except that Leia was
there willingly and wanted to ADD to the fun.
Angry Aging
Beautiful chick
“You're fat and
clinging to that last bit of hair. Shave it. You're going to send me
a message thinking you're different. You're not...” / “I am a
successful woman...”
Fucking yikes. This
one is the Homecoming Queen type. She's still attractive but youth is
fleeting, and she is BITTER. Father time beat her with the stick that
turns skin to leather and it couldn't have happened to a nicer
person. Oh, and her “success” comes in the form of her being a
waitress at a casino. Cue the bitterness!
Ironic Hipster
Girl with super-uncool-they're-cool Coke bottle glasses, fake
mustache
“I'm here
because my friends are holding my cat hostage until I make a profile”
/ “I'm not here to talk to people, so I'll use this as a running
journal” / “Don't message me if you're a robot from the future
sent back to kill me” / various other inane bullshit
Every hipster
profile is a potential ad for Pabst Blue Ribbon. These girls are way
too cool to even be here. I actually enjoy these profiles but I hate
writing the girl in question, because I don't know if she actually
wants to be contacted.
The Graduate
student education snob looking for love
“Must
be well-educated, this is mandatory!”
I've
known college grads that are morons. Gates, Zuckerberg, and Jobs were
college dropouts. Someone once said that the difference between an
MBA and toilet paper is that toilet paper won't leave ink on your
ass. Look, college degrees are great, and I get the importance of
them, but they are not the absolute Be All End All for intelligent,
driven people.
Busty Woman with
several convenient downshirt camera shots
“.......”
Seriously. Her
profile literally says nothing. The only hint of what she's about is
that she wrote “Looking for someone to make me happy” in her
subject header. Good luck with that. I'm sure someone will look at
her six deep cleavage shots and think “Wow, I'd love to sit by the
fire with her, sip some vino and discuss war time vs peace time
economics.”
Profile with a
cat for a picture
“I'm shy.”
...is the cat
talking through her?
Woman with too
much makeup and way too tanned, burned out look in eyes
“I'm
a chemist...”
Cooking
meth does technically make you a chemist.
No comments:
Post a Comment