MAIDEN!!! Rock in Rio 2013

The Maiden England stage.

Iron Maiden shows are not just rock concerts. They're not only impeccably executed musical performances with elaborate stage sets that draws the audience into another world and invoke the imagination. They are spiritually moving experiences for me.

 

Maiden headlined last night's Rock in Rio festival and performed their “Maiden England” show. For those not in the know, “Maiden England” was a 1989 concert video of Maiden playing two shows in support of their “Seventh Son of a Seventh Son” album. The record was a no. 1 hit in England, and the subsequent tour included an amazing stage set that invoked the album's ice and glacier artwork. “Seventh Son” is largely considered to be one of, if not Maiden's finest work, and ¾ of the album was performed alongside such Maiden staples as “The Trooper”, “Two Minutes to Midnight”, and “Run to the Hills”. Last year, to celebrate the DVD release of “Maiden England” (finally!), they reincarnated the tour. The elaborate stage set was not only brought back, but updated to include an enhanced light show and additional pyro. The set list remained largely the same as the '88 shows, but certain songs were switched out, and those that were brought in improve the show.

At the Maiden show last year. That stage is incredible.

Isn't it freakin' great to live in this technological age? The original “Maiden England” video was released in November of 1989. The concerts were recorded in November of 1988. It took a full year for the VHS to see the light of day. Last night, Maiden's headlining performance was streamed live for the world to see, and in HD. It was worth staying up past midnight to see it.

The original “Maiden England” VHS was my first exposure to them, and I've been a diehard since. I was fortunate enough to get box seats last summer when they brought the tour to Great Woods, and out of the dozens of shows I've been to this stood as the greatest of them all. You have to understand, that when I was 14 and finally found Maiden, their brand of rock music had fallen out of favor in the U.S. My guitar idol, Adrian Smith, had already left the band, as did lead singer and role model supreme Bruce Dickinson. Even if their ultimate lineup remained together, they likely wouldn't have seen much success in America. I did not believe I'd ever get a chance to see that lineup. However, 1999 came, the original lineup reunited, and there was hope. They toured America, trends be damned, and reestablished themselves as a world-wide phenomenon. Since reuniting they've released four albums that easily stand up to their 80's material and I've seen them whenever they came around (except once, which I'm still kicking myself in the arse for). The day that I heard that they'd be touring and performing “Maiden England”, my soul started dancing. This was like Luke Skywalker bringing back the Jedi Knights or watching Tom Brady turn into a legend every week on TV. It's special, and it stays with you.

I forgive you for being $9 a bottle.

And I got to re-watch it again last night, this time set before a crowd of about 300,000 screaming, deliriously joyous fans. They added “The Phantom of the Opera”, from their first album, to the set, and now we get to hear three guitarists perform a triple harmony during the song's breakdown. The eerie, spoken word section of “Seventh Son of a Seventh Son” is brought to life, complete with a mask-wearing phantom playing the pipe organ while an enormous animatronic Eddie looms in the background. Bruce wears costumes for specific songs, and for this one he channels a gothic, trenchoat wearing with a Misfits-style hairdo persona that fits the song's mystic content. In contrast, he dons the English red military coat during “The Trooper” to set that particular song's visual.

The stage, the lights and the costumes are all important, but the reason why Maiden endures is because of the music. The music always takes priority. “The Evil that Men Do” features a double-solo from Adrian and Janick Gers, and tells the story of a doomed romance. Adrian's ode to life on the road, the hit “Wasted Years” is possibly the band's biggest sing-along song, and Adrian played the hell of the guitar solo last night! He and Dave Murray were in improv mode, changing phrases of their solos while keeping the core elements down. This is used to great effect in “Run to the Hills”... which makes me take back what I said about “Wasted Years”. “Run...” is THE sing-along song. 300,000 people attested to it last night. So many great songs were on display that I can't get to them all: “Hallowed Be Thy Name”, “Can I Play With Madness”, “Fear of the Dark”, “Running Free”, “Aces High”...

Dream set-list.

The best compliment I can give them is that words cannot properly describe what their shows are like. Maiden have a special connection with us, the audience. Nothing is done half-ass, and everything is done with a combination of a working man's ethic and a musical genius' touch. The sights and the sound move us, and the chemistry that the six members of the band share create a unique vibe that cannot be duplicated. There will never be another Iron Maiden, and I am going to enjoy the remaining time they have to give us.

(P.S. The show is all over Youtube.)

 

Dating, Coda: The Best of the Worst Profiles

My online dating trilogy was a forum for me to discuss what I've learned from trying it, from the “Oh God I can't believe I'm really doing this” stage to “I'm just keeping a profile for comedy's sake”. By the way, you might or might not be surprised how many profiles actually begin with “Oh God I can't believe I'm really doing this”. I've yet to find the more straight-forward “so I've finally decided to degrade myself to the level of you otherwise undate-able, cultural plebeians” but I'm looking.

There are actually many good, decent people on these sites. They use the online dating service as an additional tool to look for someone cool to connect with. Some of my friends use these sites. I've met some great women that I still keep in contact with. In both instances, we get to trade horror stories of meeting people. “He sent you a picture of his junk!?” for instance. I'm not making that one up. Also, the transvestite that complemented me, I'm not making up. Not hating or anything, just saying. There are scenarios out there just waiting to happen.

The major difference in online dating from real-world dating is that takes away interaction. I've noted a story where a woman passed over a guy online that she would have drooled over in the real world. Online window shopping, in essence what it is, makes it easy for people to get passed over. It also makes it easy to send out a hundred generic fishing nets and see what you catch, making it very impersonal. I don't know anyone that has met their soul mate online, but I'm not saying it cannot happen any more or less than it does in reality. These stories are my experiences, and take what you will from them.

So, to conclude this particular blog subject, I'm including paraphrased summaries of my favorite profiles. See for yourself what waits out there. The names have been changed to protect the guilty. Enjoy!

Girl with several revealing, sexually oriented profile pics

“Ugh you men are pigs” / “Why can't I find a good man?” / “I'm not here for a hookup! Stop asking!”

The picture of her in her underwear and, better yet, the one of her nude silhouette didn't draw classy gentlemen looking for their soul mate. I was shocked too.

Woman with a pic of her and her fat, shirtless husband

“Looking for a partner for a threeway”

I hear the banjos from Deliverance sounding off. Also, I can never unsee that pic. This came from a friend of mine, and we're only now talking again, haha. This is horrifying. This picture come-to-life could be the final boss in a video game. This is real-life Jabba the Hutt with Princess Leia chained in her bikini, except that Leia was there willingly and wanted to ADD to the fun.

Angry Aging Beautiful chick

“You're fat and clinging to that last bit of hair. Shave it. You're going to send me a message thinking you're different. You're not...” / “I am a successful woman...”

Fucking yikes. This one is the Homecoming Queen type. She's still attractive but youth is fleeting, and she is BITTER. Father time beat her with the stick that turns skin to leather and it couldn't have happened to a nicer person. Oh, and her “success” comes in the form of her being a waitress at a casino. Cue the bitterness!

Ironic Hipster Girl with super-uncool-they're-cool Coke bottle glasses, fake mustache

“I'm here because my friends are holding my cat hostage until I make a profile” / “I'm not here to talk to people, so I'll use this as a running journal” / “Don't message me if you're a robot from the future sent back to kill me” / various other inane bullshit

Every hipster profile is a potential ad for Pabst Blue Ribbon. These girls are way too cool to even be here. I actually enjoy these profiles but I hate writing the girl in question, because I don't know if she actually wants to be contacted.

The Graduate student education snob looking for love

“Must be well-educated, this is mandatory!”

I've known college grads that are morons. Gates, Zuckerberg, and Jobs were college dropouts. Someone once said that the difference between an MBA and toilet paper is that toilet paper won't leave ink on your ass. Look, college degrees are great, and I get the importance of them, but they are not the absolute Be All End All for intelligent, driven people.

Busty Woman with several convenient downshirt camera shots

“.......”

Seriously. Her profile literally says nothing. The only hint of what she's about is that she wrote “Looking for someone to make me happy” in her subject header. Good luck with that. I'm sure someone will look at her six deep cleavage shots and think “Wow, I'd love to sit by the fire with her, sip some vino and discuss war time vs peace time economics.”

Profile with a cat for a picture

“I'm shy.”

...is the cat talking through her?

Woman with too much makeup and way too tanned, burned out look in eyes

“I'm a chemist...”

Cooking meth does technically make you a chemist.

Dating, part 3: Communication Breakdown

So far, in this little mini-series about online dating, I've conveyed the process of creating an account, getting mail bombed by creepazoids (f)/getting ignored (m), and the hazards of meeting up with real, live human beings. So what happens when the two parties hit it off? Where do they go from there? Maybe sex occurs on the first date and the two start seeing each other. Maybe there's no sex, but they start seeing each other. And maybe there is sex but the two people never see each other ever again. These scenarios happen to people who meet in the real world of course, but people who meet online might think they have the same goal in mind, and yet Surprise! they don't. So now, onto the third part of this blog: "Communication Breakdown".

On dating sites, you enter information into an automated profile field. What are we here for? “Relationships”? “Dating”? “Casual encounter”? While that last one is pretty obvious, the others are not quite so. For example, there is no “Well, I want a relationship, but I'm not going to jump into the first one I see” option. While you can elaborate the details of what you want in your profile, users search for people by those key words. Aaah, so this is where things start to get complicated. Right away, you may have two people who think they are looking for the same thing, but don't.

What makes this unique from meeting someone in reality is that the finer details can be missed. In real life you can get a feel for what they're after. Or, they can flat out tell you. From a dating site, if they use a broad phrase such as “looking for a relationship”, you may not even think to ask them what they're looking for, assuming that their definition is a carbon copy of your's. Oops. Misunderstandings, communication breakdown, etc. So, when one party thinks both have found what they've been looking for, and the other disagrees...yeah, things can get unpleasant.

The best way to go about things is to tell the other person right away what you want. This is idealistic, of course. Even in the real world, thoughts get lost in the translation to speech, and even that is the best case scenario. We're all adults, and we've all been on both sides of little white lies and bigger dupes. Not me, of course. Anyway... when I meet girls from the internet in real life, I try to be as upfront and honest as I can about what I'm looking for. Kidding briefly aside, I've made mistakes and feelings have gotten hurt. Vice versa, too. K, now that that admission has been made, back to snark mode: just fucking talk. Tell the person what you're after. If you don't know, tell them you don't know. Stop thinking that no one understands your predicament if you're in a shade of gray. I've acquired fantastic stories and have met some amazing people from a dating site. Nothing has worked out long term yet, but I'm having fun getting there.

It's 2013: the stigma of online dating, while not completely gone, has largely subsided. Ever since people began picking up tranny hookers from Craigslist, meeting someone on OKCupid doesn't sound so bad, does it? Happy hunting.

Next week: The Greatest Hits of Dating Profiles! I'm going to post the best/worst profile info I've seen.

Dating, part 2: The Desert of the Real

Last week, I wrote about online dating. I went over the general experiences men and women have when they create their profiles and seek out a partner. This week I want to go over what happens when people actually meet. I give you The Desert of the Real!

So. Online dating. The follow occurs:

1. If you're a guy: you send messages out to a few women, and one writes you back. You exchange a few, make plans to meet, send a few more to solidify the plans, and then: silence. Nothing. She disappears like she's in the God damn witness protection program. Maybe it was something you said. Maybe she didn't have that edgy sense of humor after all, and when you joked that waiting a week like she wanted would give you time to bury the bodies she concluded you were a sociopath and cut contact. Even though she practically made the same joke before you. Haha, people are the worst! Anyway, you send out a few more messages to a few more women and hit it off with a lady, and you decide to meet up.
2. If you're a girl: you pick a guy through whatever criteria women utilize (“you seem like one of the good ones” is a phrase lady friends told me they've used, so imagine how many bad ones are out there [see last week's blog]) and make plans to meet a guy in a well lighted, public place with several escape routes.

Eventually, you meet. Let's assume that the parties meet at an outdoor bar by the water. Whoever arrives first looks around and tries to pinpoint the other. They go into FBI stake-out mode, trying to lay out of lines of site while locating their target like a sniper in the hills, debating whether or not to go through with the mission or to abort and strategically retreat. Their date isn't there yet, so they wait. The second person shows up, and has the advantage of checking out person one without being seen. Therein lies the critical moment, and person two decides not to flee after all. Aw. For this we'll assume person 1's profile pic isn't from ten years ago/is actually them/wasn't photo shopped to eliminate 20 lbs. And the second person decides to go through with it. Nice.

First Contact.

They meet. An awkward handshake or half hug happens, and it's weird to hear the voice of someone you've only electronically mailed, but weird in a good way. Unless she's a super low bass, or he sounds like a eunuch or something. I digress.

The daters sit down to their table, and scramble to think of all the subjects they've exchanged through the online site. “So, you're into”, “So, you work at”, “So, your favorite movie is”. If there is a lot of chemistry, this is a relatively laid back process. The back-and-forth comes naturally. If there isn't, it feels forced and one party usually has their head down while fidgeting with whatever is available before them, like a glass of water or a butter knife that they are considering putting through their own eye instead of continuing this conversation for one minute more. Usually though, it's relatively laid back and the parties converse.

Several outcomes are possible, and here are a few.

1. It's just not happening. The date cannot end fast enough. Once, I went on a date with a woman I felt absolutely no vibe for on any level, and she played footsies with me while I dreamed of escape. Oh God, it was awful. I considered sawing that leg off and letting her play footsies with it if it distracted her from my hasty exit. I finished the date, though, and politely bid her adieu. Side note: $7 drafts of Sam Adams hurt more when you really really really don't want to be there. Fucking Boston.
2. It's an enjoyable time, there's laughing, you say good night and even kiss, and.....then the other person isn't interested in going out again. What happened? I've been on both sides of this. When it happened to me, for example, I apparently talked about my ex-girlfriend too much and seemed “still not over her.” Even though my date brought up her ex in detail. Hmm. When I wasn't interested, it's because there was a deal breaker. Obnoxious behavior and being stalker-level needy are prime examples of deal breakers.
3. Things go well, you go back to the apartment, and whatever happens, happens. “I usually never do this on a first date” is a popular line. Hey, I'm not judging. Sex on a first date does not a bad person make! We're all adults here, and we make our choices. If we hit it off with someone, and we want to go for it, why not? And I'm sure that it's true that the person usually never does that on the first date, but this date is an exception. But through friends I've heard that line is used a lot, and I've heard it myself. Sex on a first date is what it is, and there is nothing wrong with it. But it does not guarantee a relationship, nor does it speak to loose morals. Not at all.

So where do the people go from here? In scenario 1, the best thing to do is cut ties and move on. Usually both men and women will simply disappear and not be bothered because we all hate confrontation. Scenario 2 usually ends up with a week or so of the still-interested party trying to make plans with the no-longer-interested party evading with messages like “Oh I'm sick today on the day we planned to meet again, sorry” like they just caught friggin' SARS or something. It's a delay tactic: that person doesn't want to see the other, and since confrontation is hard, they're praying that they just go away, and if not, building the courage to let them down. But mostly praying for the first.

Scenario 3 is the most difficult, as there are many branching paths where the parties may go. I'll go into this in further detail in next week's digital diatribe. Oh, you thought the horrors were over? Haha, no....