Digital Journal 05/09 - 05/15

Saturday

In these trying times during which social distancing and self-quarantining are the current norm (I will not fucking say “the new normal”), it may be easy to forget that some people are fucking assholes. HAHA JK. It’s not! Here’s one such story.

I went to the laundromat on Saturday morning. The wash cycle takes about 20 minutes, which leaves me in the temporal equivalent of No Man’s Land. The choices are to go home just long enough to get comfortable before having to get up and come back, or wait in the laundromat, which doing for any amount of time is torture by boredom. I decided on the latter and waited in my car.

After a few minutes, a car pulled up next to the building entrance and directly behind my parking space. This was already annoying, because if I had wanted to back out of my space and leave, I wouldn’t be able to. There were at least 6 parking spaces no more than 15ft away from the door, and yet these people had to pull up to the door because they’re apparently the King and Queen of Bridgewater. BUT, experience has taught me that we don’t know what strangers are going through, so why bother getting upset by it? Maybe it would turn out that the driver or the passenger was physically disabled and walking was difficult for them, right? Definitely possible. We don’t know what others are going through. Give people the benefit of the doubt! There’s good in all of us.

In the case of this particular instance, that theory got obliterated quickly. A dude got out of the passenger side, pulled a bag out of the back seat, and then the driver took off, leaving the dude behind to yell “HEY!” and “WHERE YOU GOIN!?” and “HEY!” & “WHERE YOU GOIN!?” again after her. All the greatest hits. When it was time for me to change my clothes over, the guy was standing in the doorway, on speakerphone, loudly telling the driver why he didn’t want her taking off. He did this while not wearing a mask, while standing next to a sign telling customers to wear a mask.

So if current events have you down and you’re feeling depressed, remember that you’re not yelling at your significant other over speaker phone in a laundromat because they abandoned you there on a Saturday morning! Now congratulate yourself and pour another day drink! You’re doing great!

Monday

I had some bloodwork done in advance of seeing a new primary care doctor on Thursday. Soon after I got home, bandaged up and weakened from that vampire attack-like procedure, my new desk arrived. So, with half my blood gone and fueled solely by the Oreos the nurse gave me (that and an IRON WILL) I lugged that 90+ lb. sumbitch up the stairs and set it up. I even managed to scratch it within this first day of having it, which, if in the event I can’t remove it, I’ll totally frame as adding character to the desk. Even now I’m looking at it and trying to be all Fight Club about it (“even the Mona Lisa’s falling apart”, “I wanted to destroy something beautiful”, etc.) while researching if Murphy’s Oil Soap will fix it.

Tuesday

I had to work late, but I got to watch tv as I did it. Haha House called everyone idiots.

Thursday

I saw my new primary care doctor today. He told me that I have slightly high blood sugar and that I should lay off of the sweets until our next visit, so I have to find a new doctor.

Friday

It hasn’t happened yet.*

Have a happy weekend, everyone!

*May be happening or have happened by the time you read this.

Let's Go For a Hike!

There's a pond a five minute walk from my apartment that I never go to. There's no reason why I don't other than that I just forget it's there. It's actually kind of mind boggling that I live in a town with a pond and I can't remember to take advantage of it. If I lived in the city, going to ponds wouldn't be an option. The closest thing would be a fountain downtown that drunk kids piss in when leaving the bars, like the one in downtown New Bedford, where I grew up. New Bedford was once the greatest port city the world, you know!

Well it was 65 degrees this past Saturday, and after passing the pond on my run for the 556th consecutive time I made a mental note to go. Somehow, this time it stuck. So let's go for a hike at Carver Pond!

The first thing I noticed when I got there were the two sign posts by the entrance. One of them has a map of the pond and the trails surrounding it (a pic of which I pasted above) and it gave me serious vibes of Camp Crystal Lake from the Friday the 13th Nintendo game. Look at this.

I know they look nothing alike other than that they both have water, trails, and trees. Growing up a child of the 80's, though, meant I was subject to the horror movies of the time, and as such I cannot drink in the majesty and beauty of nature without thinking that a machete-wielding psychopath is gonna come running out of the woods at me.

However, what was more disturbing to me was a story on the entrance post of how the pond's namesake bound four trees outside the entrance of his home to create a "living archway." A mutant, disfigured, living abomination of an archway. You can't tell me that if these trees could talk they wouldn't be begging for death. It's like something out of American Horror Story. 

Well that's horrific. Let's get away from crime against nature and get to the hiking!

It was a beautiful day. The blue of the sky and green of the grass were vibrant after the gray purgatory of a straight week of cold, rainy weather. I swear, spring doesn't exist in New England anymore. Winter and summer just kind of overlap for a months and makes the weather between April and June a bipolar experience. Autumn is also affected, albeit to a lesser degree since we associate it with the changing colors of the leaves. But even the autumn we envision when we say the word (flannel shirts, warm days with cool winds, stores putting out Christmas decorations in September, etc.) isn't as cut and dry as it was once. Kids today will never know the joy of experiencing four seasons in a year because the cycle of weather now goes as follows.

• Winter
• One random hot day
• Back to winter
• Nor'easter season (I'd say we got lucky this year but luck is not a term I'd associate with 2020)
• Mud season
• Cold rain season
• Summer
• Oppressively hot summer (or, as Drew Magary described Florida, "Dirty Aquarium" weather)
• Still hot but everyone wants pumpkin spice season
• Mud season 2
• Overnight we're back to cold rainy season
• One random hot day
• Winter

Anyway, I digress. Back to the hiking! As I said, it was a beautiful day. The farther down the path I walked, the water of the pond became more still and quiet, mirroring the tree line. Every so often there were people fishing. It was like an image people conjure when they're having a shitty day at work to stop themselves from killing everyone. Very tranquil. The trails led to peaceful groves where trees were allowed to grow unbound to one another in the service of one sick man's purposes.

There was this one tree that stuck out, though. A lot of the bark was cut away, and what remained was blackened, as if it was struck by lightning or a witch was bound to it while being burned alive. As pleasant as the grove seems by day, can't you see some Midsommar shit going on here by night? I should say that I haven't seem Midsommar but I'm confident the plot involves some dark arts shit happening in the woods. Feel free to tell me if I'm right!

I didn't learn this until after I had walked all the way back to the entrance, but apparently there are turtles at the far southwestern end of the pond! And sonofabitch, I missed them. I've loved turtles since I was kid, when my parents bought me one in lieu of getting me a pet frog (young boys want stupid things), or when Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles first appeared on TV. Whichever happened first. Pretty sure it was the former, because if TMNT was out I'd probably have named my turtle Leonardo instead of after my father's co-worker Fred, which I did because I thought it was funny. I was not a child prodigy. Regardless, by posting this map on the REAR of the sign post, Carver Pond has insured that I will return. SHREWD.

Something about this spot reminded me of, and made me want to replay, the video game Shadow of the Colossus. The remnants of this old well conjured the memory of man-made ruins reclaimed by nature situated in lush wooded areas in which people don't inhabit, which comprise several areas of the game through which your character rides on horseback, seeking out the titular Colossi. Also, it overlooks the pond, and whenever I'm around a sizable body of water I'm always half-expecting a monster to emerge from the depths. 

And that's Carver Pond! Besides the mutant tree archway, the grove(s?) that hosts black magic rituals, and the ever-present threat of Reagan-era psychopaths emerging from the trees, it's a really nice place to get outside to and spend time at on a beautiful day. If you see the turtles before I do, please enjoy watching them do their thing. Unless they're snapping turtles. Fuck snapping turtles.

Snow On a Freakin' Spring Saturday

It snowed this past Saturday morning. I know this is New England and bipolar weather is to be expected, but I don’t care. Snow in mid-April is bullshit. I also concede that we got off pretty easy snow-wise this winter, and even had a 60 degree day in January. It's STILL BULLSHIT. Sure, this could have been the universe balancing itself out. But I don’t care. It’s been cold and dark for 7 months. I don’t even care that I can’t go out anywhere. I’m ready for spring weather. 2020 is supposed to be the future, according to science fiction (probably), so let’s get some climate-controlling satellites up in orbit! May as well put Trump’s Space Force to good use.

Weekends during the pandemic are pretty much like weekdays during the pandemic. I think the most obvious similarity is that we’re mostly stuck indoors (for obvious reasons). There’s nowhere to go, anyway, besides when venturing out to get groceries or gas. Remember weekends spent doing things like bowling, going to concerts, seeing a movie, or shopping at the mall? Like the legend of Atlantis, these activities are sinking into the mists of time. They are myths of a bygone era. Old crones can be heard spreading tales of days when restaurants were not simply relegated to offering takeout, but could actually invite patrons to journey within and seat them at a table to which food was brought! Fresh, warm bread, butter, and filtered water were given FREELY. AND if the meal was not prepared to your exact specifications, it could cost you NOTHING. Surely these tales of extreme hedonism can’t be true, but one wonders if these Utopian stories can inspire a better world once the world reopens.

That being said, there are notable differences between Saturdays and weekdays, even in this work from home era. Saturday mornings have become about 2 things for me. The first is taking advantage of the all-important opportunity to sleep in. This actually is temporarily downgraded from all-important to pretty-damn-important because the elimination of work commutes has given me about three extra hours every day. I can wake up with just enough time to jump in the shower and run a comb through my hair before my first Zoom meeting, if so I choose. So while catching up on sleep is essential, it’s easier to come by these days. This reclamation of time is what I’ll miss most when everything goes back to normal. The second thing is that Saturday morning is a mad scramble to get all major chores and errands out of the way. As soon as breakfast is done I’m off to the laundromat, the supermarket, and whatever other bland adult chore I have in front of me. As soon as I finish them, the weekend is MINE, I tell myself. Nevermind that I always think of some other oft-neglected chore that eats more time. But that’s life as an adult. THIS IS THE WAY.

As part of my errands, I went over to Market Basket during the afternoon and there was a line of facemask-clad people waiting outside. Where once people stood in line to get into exclusive nightclubs, they now wait for an opportunity to search for rare commodities like toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

But it's not all errands and boredom; Saturdays are also for sugar and empty calories. Because it was Cheat Day, I stopped by Honey Dew Donuts to curb my craving for a chocolate glazed doughnut. An additional bonus was that the woman working the counter was jovial, full of life, and was quick to laugh; we had a laugh out loud, fun conversatio, the kind of which has been lacking during this self-isolation It’s funny how quickly the ability to communicate atrophies when we’re in Obi-Wan Kenobi-style self-imposed exile. It felt good to exercise the mental muscles. Our two minutes together comprised the most in-person human interaction I’ve had in days, until my cousin came over in the evening.

Now, I’ve been pretty stringent about self-isolating since the pandemic began. I even completely cut off seeing people for a 2 week stretch last month. But in the name of not totally diving into the insanity that comes with living alone, one of the few people I am occasionally hanging out with is my cousin Josh. We planted our asses 6ft apart on my couch and watched Castlevania and old episodes of the Simpsons. It was pretty perfect, even with his corgi, Caboose, trying to gas us out of the living room, turning the treat I gave him into fuel for chemical warfare. If that is the cost of good company, I’ll take it. Geneva Convention be damned.

By the time Josh and Boose left, it would be less than 12 hours before the weather went from snowing to 60 degrees. Of course. Because New England.

A Typical Day in the Self-Quarantine Era

How’s everyone doing! How’s the first month of self-isolation treating you? I thought it’d be fun to put together a synopsis of a typical weekday of mine during this Self-Quarantine era. All times are averages from throughout the week. So let’s go! I’ll lead you through exciting activities such as walking from my apartment to another room in my apartment. Fun!

6:30

The alarm goes off and it brings me out of whatever weird and unpleasant, possibly food induced, dream I was having. I ignore it for an hour, during which time I hit the Snooze button no less than 4 times. Instead of getting up, I scroll around on my phone and get irritated that Facebook thinks someone else updating their story is a notification for me. Since it’s allergy season I sniffle 103 times while doing this.

7:30

I finally get out of bed and head to the kitchen, where I brew four cups of coffee. I’ll drink two immediately and save the other two for three hours from now, at which time I’ll recoil from the burnt taste, leave the mug largely untouched, and then dump it out in the sink. I also make peanut butter toast whether or not I’m hungry, because even if I’m not, I’ll be fine right up until 5 minutes before my first morning meeting starts. Then my stomach will rumble so loud that I’ll have to mute myself.

7:45

I watch tv while I eat my breakfast. Some mornings, I watch the news. Some mornings, I watch pro wrestling. It’s a good balance between reality and entertainment, since one of them is fake and the other is pro wrestling. HEYO!

8:20

Even though I want to start my work day at 8:30, I wait until now to take a shower.

8:30

WERK

Noon

Since I’ve started working from home I’ve been frequenting a local bagel shop for lunch. Every day I order a bacon, egg, and cheese on an English muffin and a coffee, then eat it while sitting in my car. Then, on days I need to get gas, I go to a convenience store and wait in line behind people who are buying 1. Cigarettes 2. Scratch tickets 3. Cigarettes and Scratch Tickets. Maybe one of those people will hit it big and someday tell their grandchildren of how they made their fortune during the Pandemic of 2020. “I didn’t make my money by taking advantage of the failing economy and buying stocks when they cheap! I clawed and SCRATCHED my way to the top, sonny boy!” Then they’ll take their hovercar (this is in the future, remember) to the convenience store to buy more cigarettes and scratch tickets.

1:00

More work.

5:30

Quittin’ time! With the work day behind me, let’s eat dinner! The options are as follows.

·      Eating something I’ve cooked

o   This depends on if I’ve food prepped for the week, which, ironically-lazily, I’ve been doing less since all this started, even though I have more time

·      To buy something from the Foods to Go section of the grocery store

o   Hmm either expensive or bad for me. I can get a container of chicken tenders and veggies for $14, or a freshly made hamburger and fries from Market Basket for $3, which is what I do when I’m at my most Ron Swanson

·      To order takeout

o   I’ve discovered a place that makes a chicken kabob dinner with “salad” (a few pieces of lettuce on top of cold slaw, served with cottage cheese) and half a pound of French fries. It’s a good thing I’m running more.

6:00

I watch tv as I eat dinner. It’s usually a rerun of House or 30 Rock, though sometimes I watch a summary of the President’s endorsement of MyPillow, which, fun fact, used to be an official White House briefing on the Coronavirus.

6:30

With dinner done, it’s time to work out! I either go out for a run or lift weights in my living room. I will say that I’ve taken advantage of being home by spending more time exercising, which should nicely offset the extra fries, peanut butter cups, and day beer.

7:15

If I’ve gone running, I hop in the shower. The duration is dependent on whether or not I’m contemplating the true nature of the universe, having been lulled into perfect harmonic resonance with life itself by the steady, relaxing pulse of the showerhead’s spray, or if I’m in a rush to make sure I don’t miss the start of wrestling on tv.

8:00

On Mondays and Wednesdays, I’m watching wrestling. I’m either goofing on my phone, trying to write, or getting an extra workout in during.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays I’m probably playing video games. This is only the last few weeks because I’m not a big video game guy but I’ve recently downloaded Grand Theft Auto V for $15 and Final Fantasy VII Remake just came out. As I play the latter I ask why Tifa is fighting in a midriff and leather mini-skirt, and before the question is fully formed I know it’s because the developers are living out their fantasies (no pun).

And some nights I don’t do any of that, because I feel like being productive. I set aside this time to write (which I’m doing now, how meta) or play guitar. Guitar World posted an article about one of Eddie Van Halen’s scales, so recently I tried implementing it in my playing. I did sound anywhere close to EVH, but god damn the scale sounds cool! I recorded myself, because listening back is the most objective way to judge my own playing. When I listen back, the result is always either “Wow, I’m a rock star!” or “Ugh, did I break my fingers or something?” There is no middle ground!

9:30

If I went to bed now I’d get 8 hours of sleep. With that in mind, I goof around for another hour and a half. Morning Mike will understand.*

*He doesn’t

11:00

The end of the day! It’s time for bed, and for that most boring of chores: brushing my teeth. I do it twice a day, but those 2 minutes just KEEP GOING ON. You know they say life moves faster as you get older? Stop and brush your teeth more often. That’ll kill that notion. It’s like having the Time Stone. Brushing my teeth has become the psychological barrier between awake time and bed time. Once my electric toothbrush turns off, the world has stopped. Roll the credits, play the ending theme, and go to bed. Time to relive it all tomorrow, just like in Groundhog Day.